Saving airmiles

It’s not uncommon to have the ability to fly in dreams. We’ve all done it, right? But last night I found myself being chased by people that wanted to steal my special powers, so they could fly, instead. The solution? I simply transferred my powers to a paper airplane, which I then locked it in a filing cabinet. Then it was stored safely, so I could just take it out when I wanted to use it!

HA! Take that, bad guys.

Drunken rainbow, white rocks and hot dogs

Imagine being a black man, trying to run a seminar on sensitivity training for a giant group of Irish bankers. I found myself in this situation, trying to organize an exercise in a large gymnasium in which everyone was told to bring a different coloured shirt. We arranged the masses of coloured, drunken Irishmen into a rainbow in the stands, but no sooner had they been assembled then someone yelled ‘charge!’ and they fled out the door, a winding, neatly-organized spectrum of hooligans.-

Though I don’t know the point of this exercise, I was still upset that it failed. On the way home, I tried to seek consolation from some black friends of mine, but they laughed and threw white rocks at me.-

So I went to the playground and went on the swings, where I ran into a girl I went to highschool with, Christie Mackie. We ate hotdogs, and I felt better.

Darby's spirit visits

Darby came back to life last night. When he realized he was old and sick, he transformed himself into his healthy adolescent self. His grey beard became bushy and brown. His thin coat grew out wildly. He shrank in size, to that of a puppy, and any trace of arthritis in his hips disappeared. We ran about in the woods, and Darby raced around, jumping and dancing, embracing his second lease on life.

It’s funny how the dead can live once again through our dreams.

It wasn’t long before I realized this wasn’t reality, and I woke up to find I had begun crying in my sleep.

Contrary to popular belief, drinking and flying do mix well.

Though I have long since graduated from University, I seem to find myself magically transported back to a highschool field-trip.

My wine-loving aunt decided to chaperone this trip, which actually turned out to be a nice, educational experience, in the beautiful setting of Venice, Italy. She introduced us to a special variety of wine that, when you drank it, did not so much intoxicate as it did create weightlessness. It took all my highschool chums acting as guinea pigs, then peer pressuring me, before I tried it, but my reluctance quickly turned to astonishment and delight once I did. Finishing the drink I found myself floating inches above where I was just standing still. With little effort, I soon was able to control my movement and, before long, was gliding effortlessly above the canals of Venice, like a teenage Peter Pan.

On the flight home, it dawned on me that the airlines actually use this to their advantage! Large commercial flights were only made possible by feeding this wine, mixed into all the beverages given out for free, to all the passengers. This had remained a well-kept secret, as people's weightlessness depended on their faith or ignorance in the drink, so in order to avoid hindering the flight with the added weight of skeptics and disbelievers, the airlines simply concealed the truth!

No sooner had I put two and two together, but the crew went into a panic, running without a word to their seats and strapping themselves in. I opened my window blind to see we were coming down beside a mountain, in what appeared to be a temperate rain forest of sorts. Obviously, an emergency landing and it wasn't Vancouver! Instead, we came down in the local airport of a tiny town.

I was uncertain as to why we landed so suddenly, though. We were greeted by what appeared to be a volunteer emergency crew of sorts. Each of them beamed with huge grins, excited they were finally using their training. But what were they trained for? On their backs they had huge tanks, with a spray hose leading to their hands. A circle of these volunteers surrounded the exit from the terminal and they sprayed each of us up and down as we tried to get past getting as little of this mysterious chemical on us as possible.

When I found out they were going to inject us with some unexplained inoculation, next, I freaked out and ran away, through a nearby field ...

The Shark and the Shmuck

Last night I was circumcised. Not voluntarily, I might add. The only doctor capable of performing the procedure, in the area I live in, was known for using an unorthodox method.

It was all a big blur, but I remember his assistant holding me down since I was terrified that they were not using an anesthetic. Then the doctor produced the instrument he was famous for using. It was a toy shark-on-a-stick, the kind you squeeze the handle of and the jaws chomp down, and the teeth had been modified to be extra sharp. Realizing I was not going to pass out and would have to endure this pain full-throttle, I closed my eyes and braced myself for what no man wants to endure. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all! The sharks teeth went cleanly through and left a pleasant tingly feeling. With some cotton balls applied to the area, I was a new man and sent on my merry way.

Oh, and because it would be uncomfortable, I wasn’t allowed to wear clothing for the next little while, so had to walk around naked everywhere I went. It was only mildly embarrassing, though.

Crawling under my skin

I've never done a "detox" before but have always been curious about them, so I was open to the idea of trying something new in alternative medicine.

The idea of putting some A.I.-controlled "worms" into my body seemed a little sketchy, though, until I found out they were made of pure energy so they weren't solid matter at all. In fact, when they were implanted it felt quite good knowing these little things were zipping around my body, cleaning up arterial plaques, collecting heavy metals, and passing effortlessly through my own tissues without causing any damage.

After the therapist released them into my arm, I was able to go about my everyday life as always. As the worms zipped around, they gave off light and appeared almost like glowing silverfish racing about purposefully. When they came close the surface, the skin would move a little and shimmer. And since there were quite a few in me, giving off this light, I walked around with a nice aura emitted from all over.

Friends, curious about this new technology, would stare and poke at my arms. The worms were designed to pass through living tissue, though, and transferred easily into their bodies if they left their skin against mine for a few seconds. Since they seemed to be multiplying within me, I didn't mind sharing them.

But, as with any medicine, you should exercise caution with these things. I didn't think about what might happen as these worms accumulated these toxins in their travels. After a time, they began to evolve. They began to solidify, and as they did I began to actually feel their movement within me. In my arms. In my chest. In my neck. All over.

And they continued to reproduce. No longer a symbiotic relationship, I was now a host to countless man-made parasites.

I woke up one day to find my right forearm was swollen at the wrist, and the flesh around the area was beginning to rot. They were nesting there, and feeding off my body now.

So I went to the doctor. He inspected me, and confirmed that they were solidifying. He'd seen this before. One of the bumps of a nest began to quiver erratically while he talked to me. He lit a match, and just in time. The skin burst open, and a large maggot-like worm, with a single, orange eye, crawled with amazing speed towards him. With one swift movement he plunged the flame into the eye of the grotesque thing that hatched from me. It popped and seized living immediately. Much to my relief, as you can understand.

One down, but how many more to go? Who knows? This is when I awoke ...